my Husband, my Maker.

Isaiah 54:4-8

This post has been sitting here since January, with just a title and a verse. Now, in May, is when this is making even more sense to me.

God promises, and He provides. He does not back down, and even if I feel let down by God, He always seems to surprise me with something beyond what I had anticipated and asked for. Through all the stuff that’s happened in the last 9 months, He’s been there, holding my hand and helping me heal and stand again. He has been blessing me so much, faithfully fulfilling the things He has for me and showing me what else is in store.

God is good.

impact.

I want my life to count. I want it to be about more than just the girl who can sing, or the girl who was my friend in the 6th grade. I don’t want recognition.

I want to be used by God in big ways. I want to be able to point people towards Him so that He can leave His mark on them, as He left with me. I want people to remember something I said to them, maybe a piece of advice, at one point in their lives and I want them to forget who said it.

I want to be a vessel. I want my life to be used for a bigger purpose than my selfishness.

I want to have an impact.

all my fountains are in You.

I find the human mind so fascinating. Every smell, every touch, every taste is catalogued in our memory. We remember such a range of things, from important events, to silly rhymes and songs.

The reason why I write this is simple. I had the amazing privilege of going to Passion 2011 in Atlanta, Georgia. The album just came out today, and I also have the privilege of owning it now! Listening to the songs just bring back so many memories from the event. How you could feel the energy, how you could tell that God was present in our worship, how loud the crowd was singing the same songs. I remember the things God revealed to me during certain moments of the conference. I remember the chills I got at some points, and I still get them listening to the album.

And I must say, God is so awesome. That He would listen to us sing these songs to Him, about Him, for Him. I never get tired of that thought. He was, is and always will be my God.

out of the ashes.

It’s really funny when God makes you reread an entire book to get one verse out of it. That was my experience with rereading Hosea. I had read it before, studied the beautiful love story in it, gone over the prophesies foretold in it, but I never remember reading this specific verse:

“O Israel, you are destroyed,
But your help is from Me.”

-Hosea 13:9

I feel so free after reading this. People always tell you not to worry, to put your chin up after something happens. They remind you that God is in control. That’s all great, it really is, and I appreciate the encouragement that has come into my life, but after encouragement comes, you almost feel guilty saying how you truly feel about the situation that you’re dealing with.

It’s ok to say that you feel destroyed. It’s fine to say that you’re hurt, down, depressed, feeling hopeless. Everyone will feel that way at some point or another. And here’s the best part. God knows exactly how you’re feeling, and He faithfully reminds us that He will help us through. He will scoop you out of the pit, dust you off, and tell you to keep going. He knows you feel like you’re unworthy of His help. He knows you feel like your world has caved in with no escape. He knows. But He also knows that you can get through it if you lift your eyes and call upon Him.

He’s waiting for you to admit that you are completely helpless without Him.

He’s waiting to save you.

He loves you.

 

verse of the year.

It’s a little over a week into the New Year, but it’s taken me that long to finally know what verse God has put in my path for this year.

“He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy and walk humbly with your God?” – Micah 6:8

This verse I’ve heard since I was little. I know songs about it, I can quote it to you, I can tell you what it’s about, but I never really thought about it.  The first part is awesome, and so true. God has shown me personally what is good. He has shown me His grace, His mercy, His faithfulness, His love. He has shown me His character, His attitude, His will for my life. He has asked me to step out in faith, He has been faithful to fill me with wisdom and His Holy Spirit in times when I need them (all the time!).

Now the second part. As a response to His goodness, He requires justice, mercy and humility. How many times have I walked past someone who needed help without a second thought or glance? That is not justice. Personally, I know God has called me to worship, but if there’s one thing I learned lately, it’s that worship is more than just singing and music. It’s about justice. It’s about reaching out to those who cannot help themselves. It’s about worshipping God by being His hands and feet throughout the world. He has also required mercy of me. Do I show the same type of mercy to people that I want back? Am I gracious and compassionate? Or do I make excuses as to why that person should be wronged because of the way they have wronged me or my friends? Lastly, He requires humility. He doesn’t desire humility, He requires it. He expects humility from me. How many times have I given myself credit for the things that He has done? How many times do I forget that He is the One who has gifted me and anything good that comes out of me is a result of His doing and His unfailing love and faithfulness to do a work in my life?

It is a challenging verse, but one that I’m excited that God is teaching me to live out. I pray that you would meditate on your verse of the year and really chew on it and see what God is teaching you through it. I pray that you would have the boldness to live out what God has called you to, and that you would have the faith to step out and reach out, no matter what the cost.

just do it.

Nike was on to something when they created that slogan. If we call ourselves followers of the Way, we are to live out what we are commanded to do. What good is it to read and memorize the Scripture if we’re not going to follow it?

We’ve all read James 1:22, “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only…”

Now how many of us are actually doing that?

Francis Chan shared a beautiful example that really got me thinking about this and put it into perspective.

Let’s say my dad asks me to clean my room. I leave, and come back a few hours later so excitedly saying, “Dad! I memorized what you said!” Is my dad going to give me a pat on the back for the memorization? No! He’s looking for some type of order in my room, he’s looking that his words have been obeyed and followed.

Even worse would be if I would come to my dad saying, “Dad, I have this whole group that’s studying what you said and we’re taking it apart and finding deeper meaning to it. I can even say it in Greek and Hebrew now!”

What good is that? Who cares?

I challenge you, as I have been challenged: live worthy of the calling that God has placed on your life. Step out in faith. Do what He’s telling you. Pray for boldness and strength to do that. But do it. Don’t just listen, don’t just memorize.

Just do it.

Moving On.

Moving forward is one of those concepts that is so much easier said than done. Especially when it’s moving on from something that you’ve invested so much of yourself in, so much time, so much effort. It’s hard to let it go and walk away from it.

I’ll admit that I’m the first person to not move on. I’m the kind of girl that will hang on to something forever and when it comes to let go of it, I go kicking and screaming. It’s never pretty, it’s never a clean break, and you can always tell because I wear my heart on my sleeve.

This kind of moving on was new to me. I’d seen people deal with it before, but I never thought I’d see the day when I’d have to do it. I always figured I’d never make that kind of mistake. Sounds crazy? Yeah, it sounds really stupid to me looking back on it now too. I guess this is part of growing up.

I was ok at first. Nothing was too bad, nothing was too hard, it wasn’t a big deal. And a week later, it struck me like, sorry for the cliché, a lightning bolt. It had happened. The one thing I had worked hard to prevent, and had not prepared for, and had been sure that I would never have to deal with because I listened to God, happened. This immediately brought on a flood of questions:

Was I wrong?

Did I hear wrong at first?

Did I just waste my time?

How could I have let this happen?

Why is this even happening if I heard from God?

And the questions would just envelope me until I was suffocating in my own thoughts, fears and anxieties, without any kind of escape from the hurt, from the betrayal, from the hardship. I felt alone. I felt misunderstood. I felt stupid. I felt ripped off. I felt like no one would ever get it, like God wasn’t talking to me, like I just made on of the biggest mistakes of my life and I ruined what God planned for me.

The fact is, you can’t do that. Everyone knows the verse in Romans 8:28 that says, “For we know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.” Now do we really know that? I mean do we really believe that with all our hearts, minds and souls? It was a question I found myself asking. Do I honestly believe that’s true?

After wrestling, fighting and kicking against God, I believe it. I believe it with all my heart. Does this still hurt? More than anything I’ve dealt with in a long time. Will it still hurt? I’m sure it will, though God is easing that pain day by day. But do I know, beyond any doubts and unreasonable fears, that God will work everything out? Absolutely.

He is here, He is with me, I am not alone. He is my comfort, my Rock, my Father and my One True Love. Above all, He is my Savior and He loved me enough to die for me.

Psalm 94:18-19 If I say, “My foot slips,”  Your mercy, O Lord, will hold me up. In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.

Isaiah 43:18-19 “Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

I pray that whatever you’re trying to move on from, that you’d leave it in the hands of the One who created you, loves you and will never let you go. He’s in control. He will make everything alright. Just wait, trust in Him. Be still and know that He is God, and be thankful that you are not.

Because He Loves Me.

I grew up in a Christian household. Church was routine for us. Sundays were spent sitting in service, serving in another service, then going out to lunch with friends. It was normal, it was mundane, it was my life. I always believed in God, never doubted that He was my Savior and my Lord, but something never really had the effect on me that I knew was supposed to.

The cross.

It’s a huge deal, isn’t it? It’s the reason why Jesus came, why we can be in heaven with Him when we die, the fulfillment of all things old covenant and the mark of a new one. I’m almost ashamed, no, definitely ashamed, that the power of this sacrifice didn’t resound in me sooner.

Before I realized this, the things I did wrong weren’t all that important. I knew that no matter how many times I messed up, God would always be there to forgive me, so who cares if I kept doing the same stupid things over and over again? It never bothered me. I never lost sleep at night. I was able to live my hypocritical life because I was taking advantage of God’s grace, His infinite mercy. Though it is never ending, though it is new every morning, my life was a negative reflection of what it meant to live a godly and purposeful life glorifying the One that I claimed was my God.

And then one night at a service, randomly, it just hit me.

Jesus didn’t have to die. He could’ve decided that the mission wasn’t for Him, and He could’ve bailed. But that wouldn’t be love, would it? God could’ve written the acts of humanity quite differently, choosing to make creatures that submit to Him unconditionally. But that wouldn’t be love, would it? God decided to create us with free will, something we abuse and use as an excuse, in order that we might choose to love Him.

Do you realize God wants to be chosen? By me? By you? And isn’t it true that you want to be chosen? We are truly made in His image, aren’t we?

And through the decision of giving us a choice, He knew there was a chance we’d mess up. So through the limits and boundaries of time and space, our God, who stands beyond these limits, fashioned and formed a story unlike any other. A story of redemption because of His love. He dramatically personifies Love as His Son, sacrificing that because He chose us, He wants us, He loves us.

He doesn’t need us. He doesn’t need our help. He doesn’t need our sacrifice. He doesn’t need our intellect, our talents, our grudging submission.

He wants it. He wants you. He wants you to be eternally with Him. That’s why He sent Jesus.

We are messed up, foolish, and stupid. We’re a ragtag band of misfits needing help and redemption. No one is above this. No one is beyond this. No one’s good enough to do it on their own, because if they were, Jesus wouldn’t have had to die.

But He did.

The routine of church all of a sudden changed for me with this realization. What used to be a social club now became a place of seeking God’s voice and encouraging others, a place where my gifts could be poured out entirely for His glory. Reading my bible became more than a chore, it was a need because of a hunger that all of a sudden became noticeable. Prayer was not limited to meals and bedtime, but it became a constant stream of thoughts going through my head.

And the things I did wrong became sin. It grossed me out. I was so disgusted with the way that I was living, as a hypocrite, as a bad example, that I couldn’t help but beg God for repentance, that He would wash me and make me white as snow once again. And He did, and continues to. Through the cross.

Because He loves me.

I have in no way achieved the perfect life. I am far from it. I have in no way figured out God. Once again, I’m far from it. But I am dedicated to learning His character, using my life to glorify Him and Him and alone, and live out what He has called me to live out. Why? Well,

because I love Him.

Where is God?

That’s a big question, isn’t it? “Where is God?” It’s a question, though, that many people want answered.

Timothy Keller once said, “Believers should acknowledge and wrestle with doubts… It is no longer sufficient to hold beliefs just because you inherited them.” This is where I can say that I struggle with the same question sometimes. This experience of going to college has sometimes made me feel alone. Despite everything that’s going on here, and the busyness with school, there are moments when I sit back, have nothing to do, and sometimes just burst into tears because of loneliness. I cry out and wonder, “Where is my God? Why do I feel alone? Why do I feel forgotten?”

It’s something that many people wrestle with, but it’s also something that many people have overcome. There are a few reasons why some would ask that question. First, there are those who are skeptical of God. They look around at the world and decide that if God was truly present, things wouldn’t be as bad as they are. Second, there are those who have known God their whole lives, but have decided to live life buffet-style, picking and choosing what they like and don’t like about God and the lifestyle He asks us to live (which is life abundantly, by the way; John 10:10) and come up just as empty as any other person searching for meaning. Then there are those that have a full on relationship with God, who spend time in the Word, in prayer, in fellowship, but there’s a period where it feels like God is just sitting back, completely ignorant of the fact that they need Him.

It’s not sinful to feel this way. It’s not wrong. David cried out to God in desperation asking God where He was and why He had abandoned him. Even Jesus felt abandoned by His own Father on the cross, shouting in agony, “My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?”. This question has been asked over the years in so many different ways. And the answer is simple.

He is with you.

It doesn’t feel like it, you might say. But faith is not based on feelings. When it feels like God is kicking back, or too busy for you, it’s when your faith goes into high gear, as you remind yourself, “He’s here. He’s with me. He’s doing something. I don’t know what, but He is.”

It’s in the moments when God feels distant when we need to realize that either we’ve moved, or He’s letting His will be accomplished, He’s allowing His work to run it’s course, He’s stretching you, molding you, making you into the person that He desires you to be. He is searching your heart, He is cleaning you up, He is building character. He is preparing you for something, He is asking you to have patience, He is asking you to persevere, keep going, trust Him.

He’s doing a lot in those moments of silence, isn’t He?

So maybe the question for us isn’t, “Where is God?”. Maybe it should be, “Where am I?”. And through that, along with spending time with God and asking Him to reveal Himself (He always does; Jer 33:3, Jer 29:13), you’ll find out what God is asking you to do, and what His specific will is for your life.

I leave you with some lyrics to comtemplate:

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
But I’m giving in to something heavenly
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but now I can see
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly

Whatever You’re Doing – Sanctus Real

Welcome to the Real World.

Reading back on these blogs, I realize that I started this a few years ago. Obvious statement? Sure. But it’s scary to think that I started this going into my sophomore year of high school, and now I have moved on into young adulthood as an entering college student.

With that, I add more cliché to this blog. You really don’t know what you have until it’s gone.. or until it doesn’t surround you anymore. Also, you don’t realize how much you need to live until you’re living in a dorm room 1000+ miles away from home. And even worse still, you never truly discover who you are until you are in a completely unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people.

Now, I don’t mean to depress anyone. I’m not sad that I’m here, despite the fact that I do miss home quite a bit. But the fact is that growing up is about learning who you are, and I think that I’m a step ahead just because my identity has become so wrapped up in Jesus. I can’t imagine living apart from Him. I don’t know who I am apart from Him. With that, though, there is a daily struggle. A surrender to Him and letting go and emptying of me that must happen each and every day. I know you’ve heard that before. That we must “deny ourselves, pick up our cross and follow Him”. But until you have realized that your life is purposeless without Him, until you have realized that your sin is what made Him suffer, bleed and die, and His love and grace is the only reason that you’re currently intaking oxygen, then you don’t know what that daily struggle is about.

I’ve heard it said that in our Christian walk, if we are not progressing, we are regressing. May we never think that we can stand still as passive Christians and still reap the full and abundant life that God has promised us. May we never love in just word and deed, but in action. May we never step back and think that God can’t use us.

May we die to ourselves daily, knowing that any goodness that comes out of us is a result of Jesus Christ dwelling in our lives.